Scribblings with Green Chalk

This wasn’t inspired by any madeleine moment. Nor by yesterday’s grammatical misunderstanding. No eurekas of the past, no linguistic crimes. This is just a moment in my ongoing thinking process. Although if I had to name a particular turning point, it would probably be reading Toril Moi’s “‘I Am Not a Feminist, But . . .’: How Feminism Became the F-Word” (PMLA Vol. 121, No. 5 — for the more curious among you). Before that article I imagined that the backlash I noticed in Poland was merely a local phenomenon. Yet another wave of Catholic resurgence, yet another dirty trick orchestrated by the far right. It’s been a little over a year now since I left the country and am trying to trace why I thought so. I blame it all on idealism. Trying to believe in positive change, I tend to overestimate my findings. But there is always another rude awakening.

Or let me put it differently. Though certain ideas may seem old and used up, they still persist. In spite of all the confusing talk about ‘post-feminism’ and equality won and established, the reality fell behind in the chase with newspapers. The world is not as fast as thought. We are not blasé post-modern in everything. This never happened. What did happen was that theory (in humanities, I cannot speak for other fields) turned so theoretical that it wasn’t about anything much but itself. Reading it is similar to reading old science fiction — to those visions of the year 2000 when we no longer need dentists. Remember that? I don’t and neither does my dentist.

But was the theory madness the reason why so many people today consider feminism obsolete? Or am I getting it all wrong and running into a conspiracy view? But I see things that really scare me. The invention of the young conservative woman, for instance. Who pulls her strings and whose voice is it when she opens her mouth to announce that feminism is evil and that renewal will come through ‘traditional values’? It’s a wild interpretation of Pascal’s claim that most of the mess in this world comes from our inability to sit quietly in our rooms. If women sat quietly in their rooms appreciating traditional gender roles, so the argument goes, there would be less mess in the world. So feminism’s obsolete, no?

Perhaps in a parallel world, where all the edges are smoother and everyone’s benevolent, this is merely a question of perspective: there is no problem when so many people don’t see it. Here and now, I conceive of this as a blind spot blotting out the view. The struggle for gender equality began to seem so familiar that it ceased to be treated seriously. Instead, it became common to approach it as a fad. Moreover, as a fad that is long passé. It’s in that smirk followed by “so you’re a feminist,” in all the nonsensical debates about ‘militant feminism.’ (How frustrating and vacuous all this talking is is best explained here and here.)

If I did realize these things before, only needed to recognize their gravity, what is then the change? What’s with the initial disclaimer? Maybe I’ve known too many women who believed that they were stupid and said it aloud, and too many who never dared to speak in class. Or, on the most personal level, I’m annoyed with myself for not being able to cope with my own extroverted nature all these years, with always trying to guess what is ‘appropriate’ and advisable. Not that I follow those rules, but still I know where the bit is even if I refuse to hold it between my teeth. Sitting quietly in your room, M. Pascal, you can become your own worst enemy, even if only out of boredom. This moment in my thinking is when I feel thinking alone is not enough. Browsing on-line, I mostly found organizations asking for donations and that is not the kind of activism I mean (who will pay my rent?). Any ideas on what I could do?